Whatever it is that you are hoping to be, you will not accomplish it. Give it up now, because all you are doing is wasting time. The earlier that you learn this, the earlier that you can start drinking away any feeling that might cause you to commit a mass murder/suicide later on.

The game is rigged, and you cannot win. Just find yourself a slave job, keep your head low, and hope that no one sees you. Maybe if you're lucky you'll be able to save enough money for someone to clean your shit up for you when you die.